Survey says: Don't believe it

As a rule, I am suspicious of survey results, unless they areendorsed by Richard Dawson.

For every product, for every institute, for every interviewsubject worried about hurting the telemarketer's feelings, there's asurvey. A survey with very specific questions, such as "Would yourather eat Cap'n Nutty Peanut Butter or clean out the gutters thisweekend?" Surprise! More than 94 percent of Americans choose Cap'nNutty.

And so I picked up the August issue of Today's Chicago Woman,featuring the "Readers' Choice Awards," with extremely lowexpectations. I wasn't disappointed.

The top women's restroom in Chicago? Rosebud on Rush. The No. 2place to propose marriage? "The Oprah Winfrey Show." The No. 3favorite hardware store? Menard's.

I don't know if the survey said more about Today's Chicago Woman,or today's Chicago women, but I wonder about the respondents.

Consider that these are readers who actually have strong opinionson the top women's restrooms in Chicago, who could find a pen, andwho had nothing immediately more pressing to do than fill out asurvey.

With all this on my mind, I spent the week keeping an eye out forsurveys. Here's just a sampling of what I learned: A survey fromProgressive Insurance revealed that male motorcyclists were fivetimes as likely to cry during a romantic movie than men who don'tride motorcycles. The men who cry cited "The Lion King" as the moviemost likely to make them cry.

In addition, 62 percent of motorcyclists said that they are movedby poetry. Accountants who ride motorcycles were seven times aslikely to be moved by poetry compared with accountants who don't ridea bike. Best Buy issued the results of a survey of 18- to 20-year-olds: Nearly 40 percent claim they could track down the guy whostarted the "Melissa" virus, or at least tune a search engine.

Another 40 percent say they know floppy discs aren't really floppyanymore. A national survey for Kleenex Cottonelle toilet paper("with cushy ripples") concluded that 49 percent of Americans wouldchoose toilet paper as the item they would most like to have on handwhile waiting to be rescued from a deserted island. Food ran a closesecond; frozen food came in third.

When asked what small convenience of the 20th century is mosttaken for granted, toilet paper again topped the list, with 69percent of the votes. Then came the zipper (42 percent), frozenfoods again (38 percent), hair spray (19 percent), tape (18 percent)and sticky note pads (15 percent). I'm no statistician, but doesthat add up?

Anyway, regarding the age-old question of under vs. over, 68percent of respondents believe that toilet paper should be hung withthe first sheet coming over the roll, while 25 percent voted forunderneath. Furthermore, 58 percent fold their toilet paper, while35 percent scrunch. A survey of five of my girlfriends, and one ex-friend who I found out talks behind my back, indicated that myfavorite sandals make my toes look fat.

My unofficial conclusion? Don't play the percentages. With amargin of error of five points, 83 percent of surveys are a waste oftime.

E-mail Paige@suntimesmail.com